Dear Diary,
Here is a picture of my Shrine to Princess Sierra:

The PRINCESS Shrine is composed of the most beautiful pictures ever printed on paper as well as my most treasured memorabilia of times spent serving or being rewarded by HerRoyalHighness.  At each end is an extra palm leaf left over from the palm-leaf fan i once made for Her.  And of course there are the PERFECTLY PRECIOUS PANTIES for which i plead and awaited so long.  When they arrived in the mail they contained the most spellbinding aroma i had ever inhaled and i have worshipped them reverently ever since!  Then of course there is the pair of pantyhose with which i was once awarded at the end of a session--fresh off of Her heavenly body!  And i also have displayed the pink feather/butt duster She made me purchase the time we went shopping and i sipped from a water-bottle half filled with Her Golden Nectar.  This same bottle i later was ordered to clearly mark with the words "PRINCESS PISS" and carry around at a party at Lady Cheyenne's.  Other personally cherished items include my fairy wand, my fairy tiara, and a cotton ball received at the same party right after having been used to wipe my Princess's  Perspiration after She forced me to jealously watch Her wrestle some other lucky sub.  But this torment was relieved as we were leaving the party and I received one of my favorite rewards ever--on my knees in the parking lot i was privileged to kiss HerRoyalHiney!  And finally, there are two other cherished items including fallen strands of Perfect Princess Hair found on my bathroom sink following my abduction ordeal and two Princess Pubic Hairs found in a very special pair of Princess Panties.  These were the pair of panties i received fresh (but discretely) off of Her Precious Pussy the night i was allowed my final climax before being locked up in a chastity harness at the end of 1998!  my head was spinning so much that night that when i was ordered to drive home with those Sacred Panties in my mouth, i got lost and ended up driving in a big circle around Columbus like a lost puppy with them in my mouth before i finally found the way back home.  At the beginning of the night of the next party at Lady Cheyenne's--the night of the most excruciating ball kicking scene EVER--I returned these panties to my Princess in hopes of receiving a fresh pair without depleting Her most sought after supply of Princess Panties.  And although i have not received them as of yet, She promised me the most soiled pair of panties from Her hamper, which got me through the severe ball kicking scene.  And i know that they will be well worth the wait!

Dear Diary,
i suppose that i have been a fairly confused about my self-identity all my life, and that is just another reason for me to be so grateful to my Goddess for helping me put my confusions aside and focus instead on Her happiness and well-being.  Of course i still have my moments of introspection whereupon i feel quite lost and disoriented.  One of these moments was instigated recently when i was crossing a road to enter a mall and a couple of guys honked their horn at me as if i had slowed them down or something.  The "me" of my testosterone driven youth kicked in and i stepped back to challenge the two men in the car who then stopped, apparently expecting me to back down.  Of course i did not.  Even when they parked and both got out of the car and walked toward me, i refused to back down.  Fortunately, they just mumbled to each other about me being stupid and walked on past.  It didn't take me long to realize that i am not the same person i used to be and had better keep that in mind somehow.  So i did something of which i knew my Princess would approve.  I bought some Women's Levi's to start wearing to keep myself more aware of my new "lifestyle."  When i told Princess Sierra, She thought it was hilarious and i was happy just knowing i made Her laugh.

Dear Diary,
Here are some of my
* i wake up every morning with visions of HER stimulating my mind.
* Next, from no motivation other than habit, as i prepare my shower, i stand
   naked before the mirror.
* Sometimes i admire the changes in my, or is it really Her body?  Does She
   even care?  Does She even know?
* i'm slipping into SACRILEGE!  Is this merely Her weapon of choice to
   destroy me?  Or has She simply misdiagnosed who or what i am?
* NO!--my REVERENCE will not allow it.  Perhaps She knows me better
   than i know myself?  Regardless, Her wisdom must tell Her that with these
   pills She completely controls me.  So i swallow.
* What have i done?  Where will this lead?  Will this ever bring the reward of
   being closer to Her in person?  Or will i merely be captured by a video
   camera and then be exiled into cyberspace?
* Will my tears ever dry?
* WHY!?
* silence--the only reply

Dear Diary,
i have been thinking about how i seem to turn to you mostly when my mind gets carried away with questions and doubts, and i thank you for being here for me to express these feelings as it does help to relieve them.  But i also want to make it perfectly clear that I am happier now than i have ever been in my life!  The opportunity to serve my Princess is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, and i have no idea why or how i came to be so blessed because i have so little to offer.  But all that i have is at Her disposal.  i have even started playing the lottery after a remark She once made in passing about how nice it would be if i'd win the lottery and buy Her a mansion to live in with a nearby dungeon space where i could live and maintain and always be nearby to be constantly at Her beckon call.  i  am already at Her beckon call now but the 90 minute drive makes it less likely that She will send me to the store for Pepsi One and tampons in the middle of the night.  What a wonderful life that would be!  But for now, i'll keep buying the lottery tickets and doing long distance computer work and make the occasional trip to clean and fix dinner or do some maintenance work or to fulfill any little whim She would have me to do for Her.

Dear Diary,
i have been sooo lucky to be able to serve my Priceless Princess in person more often lately.  When i went to do some cooking and cleaning and computer work for her this last time i worked as quickly as possible but i am too meticulous in my work sometimes and did not accomplish all the tasks i had been assigned for the day.  So, i lost my opportunity to receive a fresh pair of Princess Panties.  But even though She displayed a bit of sympathy for my lost opportunity, as soon as i got home i just had to write to Her and tell Her how happy and thankful i was just to have been blessed by Her company.  For what is it that makes Her panties so special if not that Precious Pussy Palace behind them?  And what makes that Palace so precious if not the Woman behind it?  Yes, Her Sacred Panties tease and torment the Hell out of me, but it is the Woman whom i crave the opportunity to serve and to please.  For it is only in Her presence that i get a true glimpse of Heaven.

Dear Diary,
Since my employer will not permit me to grow my hair below my collar, the most i can to humor my Princess is to let it all grow to that length all around in a paige type haircut.  Fortunately, people i work with are more inclined to talk behind my back than to confront me on the changes they are surely noticing in me lately.  My breasts are beyond my ability to hide completely any more.  And my Women's Levis really make my ass look all shapely like that of a female.  Still i go on like normal, trying to ignore what other people might see or think about me.  But the last time i was on my way home from serving Princess Sierra, i stopped in Ameri-Stop for a fountain soda.  The lady at the register was talking to a man she seemed to know personally, but he stepped aside and I put my drink on the counter in front of her.  She said,
"Is that all ma'am?"
i was so shocked because i was not wearing any make up or wig or any obviously female clothing.  i didn't know how to react so i just stood there as if i did not hear her.  Then she just repeated, "Is that all?"  So i affirmed, paid her and left.  But as i got to my car i noticed her and two men staring out the window at me!  What has become of me?  Am i so gender neutral that people will really start being more confused all the time?  i don't know how i could ever deal with this if not for the fact that i am doing so to stay in the good graces of my Goddess.

Dear Diary,
Sometimes i feel like i don't even know how to be the best slave i can be for my Princess. i know there are lots of resources out there such as slave manuals and the like, but still i'm sure i can get more out of simply reading the awesome writings of my Princess Sierra.  Nevertheless, even after having ingrained Her words and philosophies into my mind, it is still sooo hard for me to actually live them out on a daily basis.  i have actually learned to envy those cyber and phone subs of Princess Sierra's to a degree because it is much simpler to maintain a sustained long-term relationship when it is not on such an intense burnout level.  i pray to my Goddess that my relationship with Her will never burn out.  But i have let the fires grow sooo strongly in my heart that i fear they will consume me at times!  And with my new understanding of the powerful effects of hormones on mood swings, i have cried my eyes out many times as i imagine myself left as nothing but a pile of used up ashes.  It is sooo difficult to have such intense feelings without blurting them out as i unwisely did today--the details of which will remain confidential.  But i was whining up a storm, which i learned would be the quickest way to wind up as that pile of ashes.  So i vowed to my Goddess today that i would NEVER whine to Her again.  Now comes the difficult task of adjusting my mind frame to accomplish such a task.  And the only way i can see to do so will be to focus more on keeping my feet or, more appropriately, my knees on the ground and stop reaching for the stars.  For i know that She can deliver me to the heavens in an instant without any begging, whining or other provocation on my part.  i never wanted to be a phone or cyber slave.  i never wanted to be an chastised sissy slave.  Yet i must learn to accept these roles as part of keeping my knees on the ground with my head bowed humbly.  And if or when She ever decides to bless me with a glimpse of the stars, it will be only because She willed it--not because i begged or whined for it.  And even if She never feels so inclined, my life would still be sooo much better serving merely as Her cyber eunuch than to be without Her at all!  Yet, i should note that i have been extremely blessed lately with the privilege of more R/T servitude, the memories of which will always be the dearest to my heart.

Dear Diary,
i am so thankful that my life as a bachelor has forced me to learn to cook well enough to please the palates of my Precious Princess.  And on my most recent trip to serve HerRoyalHighness, once i had completed all of my other assignments and prepared another meal for Her, i was once again blessed with one of the most awesome privileges imaginable--my face served as Her seat as She consumed Her dinner.  It had been six long months since the last time i had received such a reward, only that time was also the last time i was allowed any sexual relief.  Now i have become so conditioned to living without the privilege of sexual climax that i hardly even miss it.  She even commented afterward that i should be satisfied for another few months.  i guess i am what She would call a low maintenance slave.  But i do so desperately crave every opportunity to be so close to the Goddess of my life and would give anything to be a part of anything pleasurable to Her.  However, my mind remains in a constant state of confusion as to whether i should even hope for such sacred blessings or to avoid future disappointments altogether by giving up all hope and focusing instead on my daily assignments.  i fear that i already know the answer is the latter.

Dear Diary,
At the end of another busy day serving HerRoyalHighness, i was blessed with the honor of painting Her tantalizing toenails.  Never one to really have much interest in feet before, i cannot understand why Hers make me so excited.  Ever since these magical man-mashers graced my face with their presence, i have been so unexplainably attracted to them.  i moved from toe to toe delicately holding each one at a time between my fingers in order to be able to place the neatest coat of
polish on them.  But as i tenderly embraced one toe between my fingers, She jumped and exclaimed that it tickled, for which i immediately apologized!  For i never would have intentionally caused such a reaction.  But it made me feel the nervousness of holding a stick of dynamite while at the same time making me feel pride as if i were holding a piece of intricately carved artwork.

Dear Diary,
i have been chastised for 7 long months now, but it was 5 1/2 months before that when i was allowed to cum.  So in one year now i have only had the privilege of such a release once, which was captured on the snapshot i called my cum facial.  At the beginning of my first diaries i mentioned something which amounts to the concept of "use it or lose it."  And i now know that concept to be true.  i have completely lost interest in my own sexual release.   And even after complimenting me on being "the most obedient, useful, loyal slave" She has had, my Goddess said to me, "put all that sexstuff....right out of your system."

Dear Diary,
i have always had a special love and need for Women in my life, so i don't know if what went wrong was the fact that i had too many wrong expectations for Women or that i just never met the right one--probably a combination of the two.  But how wrong i was to have ever thought i could just become my own substitute for what i really needed in my life.  It was always just a curiosity and fantasy for me to know what it was really like to be a woman, but i never imagined i would ever get this close.  Yet i am sure that i have reached a plateau that sooo many true TGs would be ecstatic to have reached.  Nevertheless, i know now more than ever that IT IS NOT ME!!!  i never even really convinced my clinical psychologist that i was actually TS, but she agreed to let me start the hormones, i'm sure just to let me find out on my own that it is not who or what i am.  Even after her reluctant approval, my endocrinologist was not convinced either and refused to write me a prescription until i persisted for six more months.  Yes i can be very persistent sometimes without even knowing what i am doing.

So once my ill conceived path was taken over and expanded by my Wicked & Wonderful Princess, my very identity has become less and less my own.  my only pride now is in being Her slave.  But this is a pride tempered by the most abject humility imaginable.  Just yesterday while standing in the checkout line at Meijer's as i was picking up some things for the Queen of Cruelty, some ugly girl who had been bagging groceries looked up and started staring at me.  Suddenly, she put her hand to her mouth and turned away as she burst out in laughter and went over to her friend four registers down and began whispering into her ear until the friend spotted me too and her lips seemed to have said, "Weird!"

Dear Diary,
i'm no Dolly Parton, but this is what i'm dealing with and they are getting to be pretty impossible to hide.

To be continued . . .

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