Dear Diary,
i have been thinking
about how i seem to turn to you mostly when my mind gets carried away
with
questions and doubts, and i thank you for being here for me to express
these feelings as it does help to relieve them. But i also want
to
make it perfectly clear that I am happier now than i have ever been in
my life! The opportunity to serve my Princess is the greatest
thing
that has ever happened to me, and i have no idea why or how i came to
be
so blessed because i have so little to offer. But all that i have
is at Her disposal. i have even started playing the lottery after
a remark She once made in passing about how nice it would be if i'd win
the lottery and buy Her a mansion to live in with a nearby dungeon
space
where i could live and maintain and always be nearby to be constantly
at
Her beckon call. i am already at Her beckon call now but
the
90 minute drive makes it less likely that She will send me to the store
for Pepsi One and tampons in the middle of the night. What a
wonderful
life that would be! But for now, i'll keep buying the lottery
tickets
and doing long distance computer work and make the occasional trip to
clean
and fix dinner or do some maintenance work or to fulfill any little
whim
She would have me to do for Her.
Dear Diary,
i have been sooo
lucky
to be able to serve my Priceless Princess in person more often
lately.
When i went to do some cooking and cleaning and computer work for her
this
last time i worked as quickly as possible but i am too meticulous in my
work sometimes and did not accomplish all the tasks i had been assigned
for the day. So, i lost my opportunity to receive a fresh pair of
Princess Panties. But even though She displayed a bit of sympathy
for my lost opportunity, as soon as i got home i just had to write to
Her
and tell Her how happy and thankful i was just to have been blessed by
Her company. For what is it that makes Her panties so special if
not that Precious Pussy Palace behind them? And what makes that
Palace
so precious if not the Woman behind it? Yes, Her Sacred Panties
tease
and torment the Hell out of me, but it is the Woman whom i crave the
opportunity
to serve and to please. For it is only in Her presence that i get
a true glimpse of Heaven.
Dear Diary,
Since my employer
will not permit me to grow my hair below my collar, the most i can to
humor
my Princess is to let it all grow to that length all around in a paige
type haircut. Fortunately, people i work with are more inclined
to
talk behind my back than to confront me on the changes they are surely
noticing in me lately. My breasts are beyond my ability to hide
completely
any more. And my Women's Levis really make my ass look all
shapely
like that of a female. Still i go on like normal, trying to
ignore
what other people might see or think about me. But the last time
i was on my way home from serving Princess Sierra, i stopped in
Ameri-Stop
for a fountain soda. The lady at the register was talking to a
man
she seemed to know personally, but he stepped aside and I put my drink
on the counter in front of her. She said,
"Is
that all ma'am?"
i was so shocked
because
i was not wearing any make up or wig or any obviously female
clothing.
i didn't know how to react so i just stood there as if i did not hear
her.
Then she just repeated, "Is that all?" So i affirmed, paid her
and
left. But as i got to my car i noticed her and two men staring
out
the window at me! What has become of me? Am i so gender
neutral
that people will really start being more confused all the time? i
don't know how i could ever deal with this if not for the fact that i
am
doing so to stay in the good graces of my Goddess.
Dear Diary,
Sometimes i feel
like
i don't even know how to be the best slave i can be for my Princess. i
know there are lots of resources out there such as slave manuals and
the
like, but still i'm sure i can get more out of simply reading the
awesome
writings of my Princess Sierra. Nevertheless, even after having
ingrained
Her words and philosophies into my mind, it is still sooo hard for me
to
actually live them out on a daily basis. i have actually learned
to envy those cyber and phone subs of Princess Sierra's to a degree
because
it is much simpler to maintain a sustained long-term relationship when
it is not on such an intense burnout level. i pray to my Goddess
that my relationship with Her will never burn out. But i have let
the fires grow sooo strongly in my heart that i fear they will consume
me at times! And with my new understanding of the powerful
effects
of hormones on mood swings, i have cried my eyes out many times as i
imagine
myself left as nothing but a pile of used up ashes. It is sooo
difficult
to have such intense feelings without blurting them out as i unwisely
did
today--the details of which will remain confidential. But i was
whining
up a storm, which i learned would be the quickest way to wind up as
that
pile of ashes. So i vowed to my Goddess today that i would NEVER
whine to Her again. Now comes the difficult task of adjusting my
mind frame to accomplish such a task. And the only way i can see
to do so will be to focus more on keeping my feet or, more
appropriately,
my knees on the ground and stop reaching for the stars. For i
know
that She can deliver me to the heavens in an instant without any
begging,
whining or other provocation on my part. i never wanted to be a
phone
or cyber slave. i never wanted to be an chastised sissy
slave.
Yet i must learn to accept these roles as part of keeping my knees on
the
ground with my head bowed humbly. And if or when She ever decides
to bless me with a glimpse of the stars, it will be only because She
willed
it--not because i begged or whined for it. And even if She never
feels so inclined, my life would still be sooo much better serving
merely
as Her cyber eunuch than to be without Her at all! Yet, i should
note that i have been extremely blessed lately with the privilege of
more
R/T servitude, the memories of which will always be the dearest to my
heart.
Dear Diary,
i am so thankful
that
my life as a bachelor has forced me to learn to cook well enough to
please
the palates of my Precious Princess. And on my most recent trip
to
serve HerRoyalHighness, once i had completed all of my other
assignments
and prepared another meal for Her, i was once again blessed with one of
the most awesome privileges imaginable--my face served as Her seat as
She
consumed Her dinner. It had been six long months since the last
time
i had received such a reward, only that time was also the last time i
was
allowed any sexual relief. Now i have become so conditioned to
living
without the privilege of sexual climax that i hardly even miss
it.
She even commented afterward that i should be satisfied for another few
months. i guess i am what She would call a low maintenance
slave.
But i do so desperately crave every opportunity to be so close to the
Goddess
of my life and would give anything to be a part of anything pleasurable
to Her. However, my mind remains in a constant state of confusion
as to whether i should even hope for such sacred blessings or to avoid
future disappointments altogether by giving up all hope and focusing
instead
on
my daily assignments. i fear that i already know the answer is
the
latter.
Dear Diary,
At the end of
another
busy day serving HerRoyalHighness, i was blessed with the honor of
painting
Her tantalizing toenails. Never one to really have much interest
in feet before, i cannot understand why Hers make me so excited.
Ever since these magical man-mashers graced my face with their
presence,
i have been so unexplainably attracted to them. i moved from toe
to toe delicately holding each one at a time between my fingers in
order
to be able to place the neatest coat of
polish on
them.
But as i tenderly embraced one toe between my fingers, She jumped and
exclaimed
that it tickled, for which i immediately apologized! For i never
would have intentionally caused such a reaction. But it made me
feel
the nervousness of holding a stick of dynamite while at the same time
making
me feel pride as if i were holding a piece of intricately carved
artwork.
Dear Diary,
i have been
chastised
for 7 long months now, but it was 5 1/2 months before that when i was
allowed
to cum. So in one year now i have only had the privilege of such
a release once, which was captured on the snapshot i called my cum
facial.
At the beginning of my first diaries i mentioned something which
amounts
to the concept of "use it or lose it." And i now know that
concept
to be true. i have completely lost interest in my own sexual
release.
And even after complimenting me on being "the most obedient, useful,
loyal
slave" She has had, my Goddess said to me, "put all that
sexstuff....right
out of your system."
Dear Diary,
i have always had
a special love and need for Women in my life, so i don't know if what
went
wrong was the fact that i had too many wrong expectations for Women or
that i just never met the right one--probably a combination of the
two.
But how wrong i was to have ever thought i could just become my own
substitute
for what i really needed in my life. It was always just a
curiosity
and fantasy for me to know what it was really like to be a woman, but i
never imagined i would ever get this close. Yet i am sure that i
have reached a plateau that sooo many true TGs would be ecstatic to
have
reached. Nevertheless, i know now more than ever that IT IS NOT
ME!!!
i never even really convinced my clinical psychologist that i was
actually
TS, but she agreed to let me start the hormones, i'm sure just to let
me
find out on my own that it is not who or what i am. Even after
her
reluctant approval, my endocrinologist was not convinced either and
refused
to write me a prescription until i persisted for six more months.
Yes i can be very persistent sometimes without even knowing what i am
doing.
So once my ill
conceived
path was taken over and expanded by my Wicked & Wonderful Princess,
my very identity has become less and less my own. my only pride
now
is in being Her slave. But this is a pride tempered by the most
abject
humility imaginable. Just yesterday while standing in the
checkout
line at Meijer's as i was picking up some things for the Queen of
Cruelty,
some ugly girl who had been bagging groceries looked up and started
staring
at me. Suddenly, she put her hand to her mouth and turned away as
she burst out in laughter and went over to her friend four registers
down
and began whispering into her ear until the friend spotted me too and
her
lips seemed to have said, "Weird!"
Dear Diary,
i'm no Dolly Parton,
but this is what i'm dealing with and they are getting to be pretty
impossible
to hide.
To be continued .
. .
